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Old habits die hard. Do old friends?

Dear Ms. Behavior:

I’ve seen my new boyfriend Elliot go through some difficult times, mainly due to problems with drug addiction. He’s been clean and sober for nearly a year now and he just moved in with me. Elliott says being with me is good for him; his old friends were into hard drugs, that whole “party and play” thing. He really wants our relationship to work and he says that this time his sobriety will stick.

At his drug counselor’s suggestion, he got rid of his old cell number and email address, and stays away from his old druggie friends. He is doing well, going to work, going to meetings, and making new friends.

The problem is that Elliot’s old friend, James, who got Elliot into crack and meth, is trying to get back in touch with him. He now emails and calls my cell phone incessantly, looking for him.

Ordinarily, it would be a no-brainer—I’d do everything in my power to keep them apart—but James claims that he has a serious illness and that he needs to talk with Elliot and to settle their past. I have no way of knowing if this is true. Am I obligated to tell Elliot that James is looking for him? Or should I protect Elliot’s sobriety at all costs?

—Confused

Dear Confused:

No one can totally protect Elliot. As soon as he walks out the door of your house, James or any other old crack-head friend can try to find him. Elliot’s fate with regard to drugs will depend on many factors, including the level of support he cultivates, and his own daily decisions.

Tell Elliot that James has been calling and claiming to have a serious illness. Ask Elliot what he wants to do about it. If he tells you that he has no interest in seeing him, you’ll be free to tell James to get lost. If Elliot decides to call James back, help him to muster up all the support he can get first: Meetings, therapy, voo-doo, and most of all, the advice and involvement of friends who are clean and sober.

You might want to check out Al-Anon too.

Dear Ms. Behavior:

My best friend, Sue, is marrying her girlfriend, Mary, and asked me to officiate at her non-religious wedding. Sue is the most controlling person I know. She has my every word scripted and my every movement blocked. I know this is just her anxious personality, so I’m okay with following her orders.

The problem is that she has been taking modern dance classes on the sly and plans to step out of her wedding dress when it’s her turn to say her vows, and do a full-on dance to express her love for Mary. Of course, no one knows anything about this but me.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen the dance, and it is not good. Not good at all. I fear Sue will make a fool of herself, make all of her guests uncomfortable and most of all embarrass her bride-to-be. Is there anything I can say to her at this point? Am I being a jerk for wanting to squelch Sue’s self-expression? Or am I saving my friend from an unseemly moment in an otherwise beautiful ceremony?

—Rev. Joan

Dear Rev. Joan:

A bride unzipping and tossing off her dress and doing a dance to express the emotion behind her vows does sound rather like a comedy skit, especially since she’ll be surrounded by people who’ve gathered to witness the sacred event.

Of course, the level of hilarity will depend a lot on what the bride wears underneath the dress—a white unitard? pasties and a g-string?—as well as on what kind of music accompanies her dance. An accordion? A French horn? A classical ensemble?

It’s nice that you’d like to save your friend from being embarrassed, but it’s not your job to protect her. If you suggest that her wedding dance is absurd, she’ll feel you’re not supporting her. You can gently try to convince her to save the dance for the reception, but it probably won’t work.

Fortunately, your friend’s wedding isn’t an episode of So You Think You Can Dance, with a posse of harsh judges and a critical audience. Hopefully, the crowd of invited loved ones already adore the brides and will be charmed by Sue’s flailing attempts at grace.

But do try to discourage people from videotaping the blessed event if possible.

Dear Ms. Behavior:

My girlfriend Maxine and I have been together for eight years, mainly happily. Our main conflict is about cleaning because neither of us likes to do it. I’m generally easy-going about the state of our home and I’d describe Maxine as rigid—even though she’s not very clean herself.

Anyway, recently Maxine read aloud an ad from Craig’s List, in which a middle-aged guy says he wants to do nude housecleaning for females at no charge. I thought it was a ha-ha moment and we’d just laugh and drop the conversation, but it turns out that Maxine really wants to have this nudist freak come over and clean!

I’d like to be off the hook for cleaning—especially since this would be free—but I find I am repelled at the thought of some straight guy walking around with his balls hanging in the breeze. And even though the ad says that he doesn’t want to have sex, he requests that we’re home while he cleans so that we can tell him what to do. How can I convince Maxine that this is a ridiculous idea? I can’t believe that we really have to discuss this!

—Slightly Slobby

Dear Slightly Slobby:

Ms. Behavior normally finds herself in the position of trying to soothe her readers of their anxiety, but in this case the scenario may be worse than what you’re describing. Just envision Naked Cleaning Dude languidly sauntering around home, scrubbing and vacuuming in his glorious tumescence. Wait. Now he’s bending over. Pretty! And will you even have to wonder if that’s Soft Scrub crusted up, all over your ceramic tile?

Is Maxine uptight about the dust bunnies under the bed and the dishes in the sink or is she really trying to tell you that she needs a little more kink in her life?

If she’s turned on by the idea of ordering around a naked guy and his feather duster, find out if there’s also an alternative scenario that appeals to her—preferably one that won’t make you gag. Can you find a fit young woman who would enjoy doing naked cartwheels around your house or yard, or does Maxine’s fantasy have to involve men and humiliation? If it’s the latter, it will be easy enough to find a sports team willing to don women’s panties and dance, if you merely offer them Youtube fame.

If the messy house is truly the issue, there’s a simpler solution: Get a fully-dressed housecleaner to help you clean, even if you can only afford to do it occasionally. Try to get a referral from someone you know, instead of hiring a random stranger from Craig’s List, who calls his cleaning “free,” but requires you to call him names and spank his bare butt with a spatula.

The cost of having your house professionally cleaned? About $60 to $100.

Not finding stray public hairs or butt imprints on your couch? Priceless.

Dear Ms. Behavior:

Is it wrong to practice cognitive behavioral therapy techniques on someone you’re dating? Matt is wonderful in every way—except that he’s a nightmare about germs.

This morning we ordered bagels, and Matt asked the prep guy to wash his hands. He sanitized his own hands and held the bagel with a napkin. He also pays for everything with exact change (dropping the money on the counter), and only eats in a few specific restaurants.

Sex is even worse. As soon as we’re done, Matt leaps out of bed and runs for the shower. He gargles and scrubs himself until his skin turns red. I’ve tried to stop him, but he gets extremely anxious if he can’t go wash off.

I do happen to be a therapist. Would it be wrong for me to treat him for this problem?

—Not Germy:

Dear Not Germy:

Treating Matt for his germ phobia isn’t necessarily “wrong,” but it may involve icky boundaries on your part. Anyway, are you assuming that Matt actually wants to change?

Oh wait, that doesn’t matter! This is obviously all about you. If Matt’s a germ freak, that’s inconvenient! And perhaps it hurts your feelings when he washes his mouth with Listerine after blowing you. So the best way around this is for you to try to cure Matt secretly…like when he’s sleeping. All you need to do is lie down next to him and gently whisper these affirmations in his ear:

“You’re a loving child of God and you are pure.”

“Your hands are clean, your mouth is spotless, your anus is pristine.”

“Felching is a divine act.”

If it works, please drop Ms. Behavior a note; she may need you to come and whisper a thing or two to someone she knows.

Dear Ms. Behavior:

I’m in my 20s and formerly identified as lesbian, but now I’m trans (FtM). I have had top surgery and started taking testosterone nearly a year ago.

I definitely pass as a guy. I haven’t had bottom surgery, and I may never do it. I don’t even think genital gender (as opposed to gender identity) really matters, but that’s another discussion.

I need advice about when I need to tell people that I am trans. When should I tell a (female) date? Before we go out? Before we kiss? Once we hook up? I don’t have any trans friends and I don’t know who to ask.

—Lenny

Dear Lenny:

Ms. Behavior’s trans friend Mike puts it simply: “Tell your date before you go to third base.” Although Mike is being slightly funny, you’d be wise to have the gender discussion with a date before anything sexual happens, including kissing. (As you probably know, kissing leads to humping way quicker than pot smoking leads to heroin abuse.)

Basically, it’s important to reveal your personal info once you want to take the relationship to a deeper or more intimate level. Indeed, most people are stuck in the “gender binary” way of thinking. So, waiting to have the conversation until you’re about to drop your trousers does seem risky.

Obviously you’re in a tricky spot because you want to get to know your date a bit and see if you really like each other before you disclose, but you have to weigh that against the risk that she’ll feel that you’ve deceived her if you wait too long.

If you meet people in an LGBT environment—particularly if you live in a hip urban area—it will be easier to be out as trans (and get to know more people who want to date a trans man). Many old-fashioned lesbians will, of course, find you to be “too much man,” for them— but you may take that as a compliment.

Dear Ms. Behavior:

My older gay brother Tony moved to NYC a couple of years ago, leaving me alone here in a small town with our mother. Our sister has special needs and goes to boarding school. I’m in my last year of high school. For some reason, I’m the only one in the family who knows that Tony is gay. Tony is coming for a visit next month and plans to come out to our Mom.

I have a few problems with this plan. First, he plans to come out at the only restaurant in town, which is where we always eat. Mom tends to be very dramatic, and I’m sure that after Tony comes out to her, Mom will have a negative association to the restaurant and will refuse to ever eat there again. Also, once Tony goes back to NYC, I’m the one who will have to deal with our mother’s big feelings about having a gay son. How can I convince my brother not to come out?

—Tony’s Brother

Dear Tony’s Brother:

If you think Tony’s coming out will really destroy your family’s chances of ever again eating out in Mayberry, you could offer to cook dinner at home for Tony’s big gay moment. But if your mother is as large a Drama Queen as you suggest, she may also develop a negative association to her own kitchen. Or what if you serve pork chops and she develops an aversion to the meal and is thereafter forced to decline any and all invitations to pig roasts, forever and ever?

Perhaps the best strategy would be for you to organize an unappealing picnic on a disposable blanket in an ugly public park that you wish to never again see. After Tony comes out to your mother, you can wad up the picnic blanket like a dirty diaper and you and Mommy can forget the whole thing ever happened.

In all seriousness, it’s not your job to protect your mother from Tony’s news or to control her reaction. She’s an adult; if she needs help sorting out her feelings she can go to PFLAG meetings or a therapist. Try to remember that coming out really isn’t really a crisis, even within the families that initially act like it is.

It also sounds like you need to graduate from high school and fly away from Mommy’s little nest and your little town, ASAP.

Address your questions and comments to: msbehavior@aol.com. Signed copies of Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette (Houghton Mifflin) are available directly from the author.