Ms. B. asks, 'Where's the chemistry?'

 

Dear Ms. Behavior:

Is it possible to love someone and be in love with that person via letters
and phone calls only? I have known someone for eight months now, and we rely
on numerous letters (once a week) and phone calls (every night), but have
yet to meet each other face to face.

I have met her parents and aunt in person though, and they all seem to like
me. Because we can't meet in person, we have to rely more on communication
and expressing our thoughts and emotions more than just doing "fun" things
like movies and dinner.

-J

Dear J:

Eight months is a long time for daily chatting and weekly letters without
any face time. You say that you and this person with whom you might be in
love "can't" meet in person. This is intriguing. Is she in prison? Are you
in prison?  What-no conjugal visits?  Can't you write a letter to your
senator?

How did you meet her parents and her aunt if she's in prison (or even if
she's not in prison)? Weight Watchers? An anonymous program? A motor vehicle
accident?

It's possible that you're in love with your mystery girlfriend, but it's
also possible that you're in love with your own idea of who this woman is,
and maybe with the sound of her voice on the phone. (Maybe she's in love
with her own projection about you, too.)  

And not to be shallow, but have you even seen her photo? Does she live on
another continent (or planet)? Is she confined to an iron lung?

Do you believe you can know and understand someone without ever having been
in her company? Is the physical self merely a distraction or is it a crucial
part of who a person really is?  It's hard to tell if you are more evolved
than the rest of us or if you are just caught up in a very hot fantasy.

What about chemistry? Will the love you think you're feeling just dissipate
if you meet and find that you're not physically attracted to each other?

What if you don't like how she looks or smells or dances? What if her
mannerisms annoy the crap out of you?  Like, say, you finally do go to a
movie (which you've maligned as mere "fun") and she eats popcorn like an
animal.

 Or what if her personality reminds you of your mother or your nasty ex or
the mean girl who tormented you in middle school? Have you at least Skyped
with each other (or do they not allow that in Women's Prison)?

Why do you even need to decide whether or not you're in love at this point?
Please try to hold out for a real in-person meeting before planning the rest
of your life.

 

Dear Ms. Behavior:

My ex-boyfriend gave me a lot of gifts, mostly jewelry.  He had great taste,
but I felt ambivalent about the relationship, so it never felt right to wear
the necklaces or the rings he gave me.  I even tried to give them back after
we broke up, but he didn't accept them.

Now, a couple of years later, I have a new boyfriend, Hector. I really like
this man and this time I don't feel ambivalent.  Would it be wrong for me to
give some of my ex's really nice gifts to my new boyfriend? Most of the
stuff has never even been worn. Money is tight, and I don't have a
sentimental attachment to this jewelry.

If you say it's OK, I could give start by giving Hector a very attractive
watch.  What do you think? Can I just put it in a box and give it to him?

-Regifter

Dear Regifter:

Don't give Hector a gift you received from your old boyfriend and pretend
that it's new. If you want to trade it all in and buy something specifically
for Hector, that's great.  Or, if you want to tell Hector that you have a
watch that you'd like to give him, that's fine too. But if he asks where it
came from, don't lie. If he wants to wear the watch despite its tarnished
history, maybe the two of you can burn some sage or perform a ritual
incantation to get rid of the bad juju or any lingering ex-boyfriend
cooties.

Dear Ms. Behavior:

I've been in an exclusive relationship for the last 15 years, and it's
definitely the best one I've ever had. We are still intimate and still have
sex, and yet for some reason I'm still mildly depressed and pine for other
women. I'd like to know what is wrong with me. Is it my alcoholic/drug
addict personality (though I'm in recovery), or my self- destructive nature
that causes me to feel this way?

I love my girlfriend, and yet I still wish for emotional and physical
relationships with other women. It's not one particular woman I want;
sometimes I have two or three friends at a time that I feel drawn to. I
haven't acted on this temptation, but I wish I could. What are your thoughts
about this?

-Still Want It

Dear Still Want It:

You're not dead yet; your wish to be with other women is not necessarily
addictive or self-destructive, and fantasies are OK.  It's only a problem if
you're obsessed enough for it to cause you unhappiness in your life and in
your relationship. For example, do you feel compelled enough to act on it
even though you've agreed to be monogamous?

You can't actually expect all of your emotional needs to be met by your
partner, and in fact there's nothing wrong with having some of them met by
friends. However, this may create problems if meeting your needs involves
lying down with a friend and putting her breast in your mouth for comfort.

If you think you're actually depressed, acting on your desire will only
distract you from the real problem, at least for a while, by temporarily
changing your physiological state.  The intense rush of pleasure you feel
when you want someone is probably caused by an increase in your dopamine,
serotonin and adrenaline. But there are other ways to achieve these positive
feelings:

1)    Snort cocaine. (OK, not a real suggestion.)

2)    Eat chocolate.  (If you increase dosing to excess, be prepared to buy
pants with elastic waistbands.)

3)     Try aerobic exercise.  (Ms. Behavior doesn't mean to be a downer.)

4)    Take Essential Fatty Acids, found in fish and flax seeds.

5)    Learn some cognitive behavioral therapy (without going so far as
reading or espousing the wisdom of The Secret).

6)    Have your girlfriend put on some surprising attire and a blonde wig
and call her "Ma'am."

On a more serious note, if you're depressed beyond your pussy deprivation,
you should consider seeing a doctor or a therapist.

 

Dear Ms. Behavior:

My girlfriend Kim has an extremely annoying habit of talking over me when I
am making a point or even just a casual comment.  I've tried on several
occasions to discuss the matter with her, but she doesn't seem to think it's
a problem.  She says a conversation is like basketball; you have to be
aggressive to stay in the game.  This is totally exhausting.  I find myself
wanting to engage with her less and less.  When we are out or with friends
or at a party, I clam up and feel disdainful of her, while she treads all
over everyone else's side of the discussion.  She has apologized many times
for this habit, and I say OK, but in truth at this point I just want to stay
pissed at her.  I can't seem to shake it.  Is there something wrong with me?
If the problem is really her, how can I get her to stop?

-Silent Sam

Dear Silent Sam:

If Kim were your pet instead of your girlfriend, you could condition her to
stop barking while you were talking on the phone (or even to stop peeing on
the carpet). You would shake a can of coins next to her head when she
engaged in her annoying habits, or you would give her a delicious treat
every time she let you talk for several consecutive minutes. (Of course the
animal lovers among us, including Ms. Behavior, would prefer the positive
reinforcement method.)

Kim would likely resist such obvious training approaches. But to be fair, if
she insists on a basketball metaphor, tell her that talking over you is a
foul. Tell her you're the referee and you're going to blow the whistle and
make her sit out the game every time she talks over you or anyone else.  If
all else fails, poke her with your elbow, as if you're blocking her shot.
(For those humorless types inclined to admonish Ms. Behavior for advocating
spousal abuse, the last sentence was a joke.)