Ms. Behavior

Ms. Behavior

Friend caught in tug-of-war

Advice and etiquette by Meryl Cohn

Dear Ms. Behavior:

Six months ago, my friend Sally, was dumped by her partner of 20 years, Joy. Sally has been a total sloppy mess, crying in my living room every day.

The worst part is that Joy left Sally for another friend of ours (Monica), who left her girlfriend, too. However, 20 years is a long time; now Joy is now coming back around to try to patch things up with Sally, and Sally is willing to take her back. It’s good to see Sally smile, but it’s sad that she’s so easily won back by Joy the Cheater. Sally has made only one demand of Joy, which is that she stop seeing Monica immediately.

All seemed okay until yesterday, when I got a phone call from Monica, who is distraught that Joy is going back to Sally. In a moment of panic and sorrow, Monica told me that she and Joy still see each other once a week and have sex. I don’t know what to do with the information.

Monica probably wants me to tell Sally, so that Sally will end her reunion with Joy, and come back to her (Monica). Should I tell Sally? Should I keep it to myself? Help!

—Confused

Dear Confused:

You and your gaggle of friends don’t do much to contradict the notion of Lesbian Drama, do you?

Ms. Behavior normally advises her readers to stay far away from these domestic disputes, and to avoid, at all costs, being a snitch. However, your allegiance in this instance is so clearly to Sally, that it seems that you really must tell inform her, regardless of the consequences. Not telling your very close friend this news would be a far bigger betrayal (and risk to your friendship), than telling her. She may, of course, be upset with you—they don’t call it “killing the messenger” for nothing— but hopefully she’ll ultimately view your gesture as protective.

More advice: See if you can find a stable friend or two, who doesn’t engage in the high art of dyke drama

Dear Ms. Behavior:

I’m a 41-year-old gay man who used to weigh nearly 400 lbs—not an easy way to live within gay male culture—and now I weigh 198. I lost it naturally (without gastric bypass), but after the huge weight loss, I was left with extra hanging skin. I had to have several cosmetic surgeries, including a tummy tuck and procedures to remove extra skin from my arms, my thighs and even my face. After years of solitary misery, I am finally interested in having a relationship.

However, I’m scared and need advice. If I’m out on a date and it’s going well, should I warn him about my scars (across my middle, under my nipples, on my arms, thighs and behind my ears) before taking my shirt off? How about my pants? My friends say I should, but won’t that just put the guy off?

—Former Fatty

Dear Former Fatty:

There’s no need to waste your date’s perfectly good boner by issuing a warning about your scars. And if you’re thinking you should pre-empt the action with a confession even earlier, think again. If you mention your surgery over dinner, you’re risking pre-empting your impending frottage by frightening your date into envisioning something far more dramatic than what you actually have.

Granted, if you had something communicable, you’d need to share the information before getting naked. Your scars, however are your own. Your date may notice them, but he’s unlikely to either catch them or to freak out.

By the time a human is in his or her 40s, a lot has happened to his or her body. Your case may be more extreme than most, but despite what the perfect-looking actors on Desperate Housewives would have you believe, most people your age have begun to experience their share of bruises, breaks, illnesses, surgeries and general physical distress—if not warts and herpes—or the effects of emotional battle scars, like having endured numerous break-ups and deaths.

Wow. This is beginning to sound grim—but it’s not. The point is that while shallow people do populate the universe, you’re not seeking a shallow person for a relationship. You’re seeking someone who isn’t all about perfect pecs and glutes of steel.

Ms. Behavior doesn’t mean to sound all Mary Poppins about it, but the truth is that someone will love you for your scars and for your former-flabby essence. You used your immense strength of character to lose all that weight and change your life; that says something really important about who you really are. Now it’s just a matter of skimming through the fat (in the dating world), to find that person.

Dear Ms. Behavior:

I’m in a monogamous relationship with a woman I love, but I’m in a predicament. There’s someone else who I want to make out with—or, I’d settle for touching her body a bit. If I were to ask my friends for advice, most of them would say, “End the relationship you’re in first.” But isn’t it stupid to jump to that conclusion when that may not be necessary? Couldn’t making out with someone else be just an experience, maybe even a one-time thing?

My friend Emily just died, and she was only 40. I know Emily and her partner weren’t getting along. So now I’m thinking, if Emily had had the chance to have someone take her breath away for five minutes, to make her wet, to make her words quiver, don’t you think she would have (maybe even should have) enjoyed the moment?

What’s with all this morality crap anyway? Where does it get us? There’s no one among my immediate friends who wouldn’t judge me, so I’m asking you, Ms. Behavior: Would it really be so bad to just kiss someone or hold her for a few minutes?

—Desperate Woman

Dear Desperate Woman:

Ah, the classic dilemma. If only you could kiss another woman’s lips or perhaps touch her boobies, all would be well with the world, right?

The problem is that you’re standing at the top of the very mountain for which the term “slippery slope” was created: You’re in a monogamous relationship, but you meet someone who you like and want to kiss. At first it all seems very innocent and sweet. How could anything be wrong with pressing your lips against hers? Couldn’t this be totally compartmentalized from your relationship? Pretty soon, kissing the new woman opens an unexpected doorway and then—uh-oh—kissing just isn’t enough. So, next you touch her breasts under the bra. Soon you realize that really you’re very tired and need to lie down…together. You slip one of your legs between her thighs, because, well, it just fits perfectly, and as you snuggle, her breast slips into your mouth so easily. When she grabs your butt and writhes against you, it becomes clear that you need to take off your jeans, because they’re chafing you. There’s nothing wrong with hugging while you’re in your underwear, right? Your hugs are so wholesome and sweet that a thin cotton barrier is really all it takes to keep your chastity intact. Her slight gasps and hard breathing only indicate that she hasn’t been hugged in a long time. And then that thin cotton barrier is somehow in the way, and suddenly you’re both naked. What a surprise!

Depending on your personality, it can take anywhere from 10 minutes to a whole year to go through all these steps, but Ms. Behavior predicts that if you kiss this woman, your damp underwear will eventually end up on the floor, entwined with hers, as you lie on the bed, basting in each other’s juices. Soon you wonder: how did all this happen?

Poor dead Emily has caused a crisis, hasn’t she? If only she’d gotten to make out with someone before she died, she would have died a happier woman. Or maybe not. But that’s what you’re imagining in this moment, which coincides with the awakening of your libido—which feels like the opposite of being dead.

The message you’re getting from your psyche (or maybe your clit) is one of longing. Maybe you’re longing for another woman because you and your partner aren’t connecting well right now, or because you’re in a fallow phase of your relationship. Or maybe it’s just that you’re human and it’s totally normal to experience an occasional intense attraction to someone else, even if you’re monogamous.

Your feelings, of course, aren’t the problem. (The problem is that you want to have your attraction and eat her, too.) Mainly, you have a commitment to your partner, which you’ll be breaking if you act on this attraction without letting her know that you intend to do it. No one likes a liar or a cheat.

So, you can either be honest with your partner, or decide not to act on the attraction. It may help to talk it through with a friend or a therapist. Whatever you do, don’t hide your lustful feelings in a dark closet where they will only grow large and strange.

Of course, you may decide to kiss or touch this woman anyway—and it doesn’t mean that you’re a terrible person—but it’s not likely to lead to a healthy outcome or a happy wife.

Address your questions and comments to: misbehavior@aol.com. Meryl Cohn is the author of Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette (Houghton Mifflin); signed copies are available directly from the author.