Reunions—high school or college: setting for hi-jinxs?

Dear Ms. Behavior:

I recently attended my high school reunion, where I ran into my sweetheart from those days. We had been in an intense but nonphysical relationship for a year, but “Cat” and her family were devout Catholics and she couldn’t bring herself to come out yet. I was head-over-heels for Cat, so this was very frustrating.

Anyhow, while talking at this reunion, we discovered that the sudden end of our relationship was based on a stupid misunderstanding. She seemed as shocked as I am and gave me serious mixed messages like, “I’m in a relationship/I’m still very attracted to you;” “I don’t know if I still feel the same way/ I’d still be with you if X didn’t happen.”

So, Ms. Behavior, what should I do? My first inclination is to high-tail it to her house and throw myself at her. One friend tells me to forget about it; it’s heart-flattening material. Another is too busy swooning with the romanticism of it to give me any practical advice.

I still turn to jelly when Cat looks at me, and I have a sense that the relationship is worth another try. On the other hand, I don’t want to persuade her to leave her relationship (even though I’m much more fun than the woman she’s with), and what if she says no?

And lastly, what if she leaves her relationship, wants to be with me, and then freaks when she sees my pierced labia? Should I hang a St. Christopher’s medal on it just in case?

—Still Crazy After Not-So-Many Years

Dear Crazy:

It’s not surprising that Cat still gives you mixed messages. The circumstances have changed, but the essence of your dynamic has not: “You can have me, oops—no you can’t.” Cat is still ambivalent. You’re still hooked in.

The best thing you can do, if you want to protect your heart, is to stay still. If you rush over to Cat’s house, she’ll suck you dry (figuratively speaking) and then vacillate between you and her current girlfriend. Let her sort out her feelings and come to you. If she doesn’t, you haven’t lost anything. If she does, you can take your time and see if you feel like jumping into it with her.

Don’t worry about your labia piercing. It will be an object of curiosity and intrigue to those who haven’t seen one up-close. But get rid of the useless St. Christopher medal; you won’t need it unless you’re planning to travel. Instead, replace it with a St. Jude. He’s the dude for hopeless cases.

Dear Ms. Behavior:

Dan, my boyfriend of five years is about to go to his 20-year college reunion. I have no desire to go with him nor has he asked me.

We have a monogamous relationship, and I’ve always trusted him. But I feel threatened now for two reasons: 1) Dan has been working out and losing weight in anticipation of the reunion; 2) He’s planning to spend time with his old college roommate, Bob, who was also his first boyfriend.

Dan and Bob had a hot relationship back then, as Dan tells it. I’m worried that they’ll end up hooking up during reunion weekend, or worse, that they’ll get back together and Dan will break up with me.

Do you think I should mention my concerns before he goes to the reunion? Or will that only fuel the fire of his passion for his old boyfriend?

—Mr. Insecurity

Dear Insecurity:

Feel free to tell Dan how much you love him and that you feel a little threatened by his reunion. But if you’re tempted to detail every frightening scenario that has passed through your tortured little mind about envisioning his joyous life with his first love while you spend the rest of yours as a grieving widow, crying and masturbating yourself to sleep every night—don’t do it.

Most people like their partners to be a tiny bit jealous, but no one likes an insecure weenie. Talk yourself off the ledge. Breathe deeply. Your confident assumption about your boyfriend’s loyalty will likely help you more than an outburst of anxious wheedling.

Try not to be threatened by Dan’s extra crunches and pushups. Everyone likes to look good and appear happy at reunions. Sometimes a health club membership is all it takes; later on, some must rely on plastic surgery for reunion rejuvenation.

Distract yourself from your fears. Give Dan every opportunity to remember that you are his smart and interesting boyfriend, not a whiney guy who expects to be dumped. If all goes well, his attachment to you will keep him from succumbing to the desire to reclaim his hot, muscular, erotic past.

Dear Ms. Behavior,

A few years back my wife Randi had an affair with an old friend of ours, Tammy. We somehow managed to work through it, and we all have stayed friends.

Recently, Randi and I purchased a house with a mortgage that’s just a little over our heads. The rental apartment in the basement was supposed to make up the difference. After advertising it for several months, we have had only one person interested in renting: our old friend Tammy.

I keep telling myself that their fling is long over, we need the money badly, and besides, Tammy is good with taking care of our dogs.

I am apprehensive, however, since she does not have a girlfriend yet, and I think she may still have a thing for my wife. However, Randi and I have discussed it, and she swears it is a thing of the past and she has no interest in Tammy.

If we go for it, I could actually install cameras before Tammy moves in. My wife would never know. Please advise.

—Need a Tenant

Dear Need:

On the surface, it seems like a crazy idea to let Randi’s old secret lover move in. Wouldn’t you be setting yourself up for a whole new level of lezzie drama?

However, you and Randi have endured together for years since this betrayal, and it’s possible that that particular flame—the cheating one—may really have burned out. (Just think of how many exes the average lesbian has; one couldn’t possibly hold a torch for all of them without creating a forest fire, could one?)

So, if you believe what Randi tells you and you’re a forgiving person, you could try letting Tammy sleep beneath you for a while.

And as strange as it may seem to have Tammy living in the basement, in actuality, your home isn’t the most likely place for reigniting the old spark anyway. Randi and Tammy could more easily hook up in hotels, parked cars and elevators without stirring your suspicion.

If you believe there’s nothing to worry about, you don’t need the cameras. If you suspect that it’s not really over, you probably won’t let Tammy move in anyway—unless you’re just itching to film lesbian porn, which is inadvisable for several reasons:

1) The lighting in your basement is probably bad;

2) There’s already so much free porn available online that you’ll never make any money or get famous;

3) Watching your wife get it on with Tammy will probably annoy you.

Dear Ms. Behavior:

After a year of messy addiction (crystal meth and other drugs) and acting out badly, my boyfriend Terry finally spent some time in rehab and is now doing a lot better. His job involves traveling to New York, where he typically gets lonely, hooks up with someone, and then goes off on a drug binge.

After a leave of absence from work, he is now being pressured to go back to his job. Terry promises me that things are different now and that he has no desire to do drugs.

I’m afraid that he’ll be tempted once he starts traveling again (which is a requirement of his job). I don’t know how to protect Terry or myself. How can I keep him from hooking up with guys and getting back into drugs?

—Wayne

Dear Wayne:

You can’t really “keep him” from doing anything, but Terry is most likely to succeed in staying away from drugs (and superfluous cock) if he changes his habits.

Eliminating travel would be one way to help the odds, but if that’s not realistic given the dismal employment outlook, help him to find support in the places he goes. This may mean seeking other sources of entertainment (e.g. theatre, film, fitness, museums) instead of crystal meth parties. Of all the places in the world, he won’t lack alternative forms of recreation in Manhattan.

Whether or not his rehab emphasized going to 12-step meetings, it will undoubtedly help, as will spending time with friends who don’t do drugs. Terry can also connect to meetings at home so that he can store up his resources before he hits the road. Meanwhile, you might want to check out an al-anon meeting so that you can store up yours, too.

Address your questions and comments to: msbehavior@aol.com. Meryl Cohn is the author of Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette (Houghton Mifflin); signed copies are available directly from the author.